


Something, Together

by drjamband



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 09:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1118077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drjamband/pseuds/drjamband
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim feels worthless, and sometimes, so does Spock.  They both convince each other that's not true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something, Together

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for angst, but a happy ending awaits. =)

“You’re just dumb, Jim.  You’re just stupid and dumb and nothing you do is any good.”

Spock had entered his captain’s quarters through the bathroom.  Jim had taken a much longer shower than usual (6.2 minutes longer), and Spock had become concerned.  Upon entering Jim’s quarters, he was met with Jim, fully dressed, facing away from him and mumbling to himself.

“You can’t do anything, Jim,” the mumbling continued.  “Just give up.  No one likes you.  Everyone is tired of you.  They’re tired of putting up with you and they’re just doing it because they have to.  No one cares.  They’ll all leave.  They hate you.  They talk about you behind your back because of how much they hate you.”

Spock was appalled.  He knew Jim had his moments of self-doubt---Spock had them too---but this...this was too much.  This wasn’t like Jim at all.  It hurt Spock to hear the things Jim was saying.  “Jim?”

Jim whirled around, blushing profusely.  “Uh, hey, Spock.”

“Jim, what is bothering you?”

“Uh, nothing.  Just….”  But he couldn’t even finish his sentence.  No lie would be able to cover up what Spock had just witnessed.  “I guess I’m just having a bad day,” Jim said, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“The things you were saying,” Spock started, moving closer, “...they were not true.  The crew does not hate you.  No one is leaving you.”

Jim hung his head and shook it.  “I know.  I just...get like that sometimes.”

Spock sat next to him on the bed.  “Would you care to elaborate?” he asked softly.

Jim sighed, his shoulders heaving with the force of his expelled breath.  “Archer was on my ass this morning about what happened on Fylo VI, saying that my ‘command decisions show a certain immaturity,’ and...I don’t know.  Just reminded me of Iowa.”  He finally looked at Spock, who said nothing.  “No one in my house ever treated me like an adult.  They were always questioning my choices and talking down to me.  Frank would always tell me I was worthless, that I would spend the rest of my life being taken care of because I couldn’t do it myself.  The first time I tried to run away from home, I was thirteen.  I came back after five hours because it was cold.  I was crying, and Frank pushed me in my room and locked me in there.  Told me he didn’t even care I’d been gone, but it was obvious I couldn’t make it in the real world.  Always told me he was so tired of taking care of me.”  Jim laughed humorlessly.  “As if he did that at all.”

Jim took a deep breath.  “Then when I was seventeen I got really depressed, but no one cared enough to help me.  I think Frank was hoping I would kill myself so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  Then, at the academy, sometimes I’d wait ‘til Bones left for his night shift at the hospital and stay in my bed and cry.  I would tell him I was going out for drinks or something, but I wouldn’t.  And he figured it out too, and I felt so dumb for thinking I could lie about it.  Wasn’t even smart enough to make it convincing.  Bones told me I should see a therapist, but I was so ashamed.  Sometimes I talked to him about it, but it usually ended with me apologizing for being such a burden.  He was the only one who told me I wasn’t.  He was the only one who cared.  But now I’m afraid to go to him because I know he has more important things to deal with.  He doesn’t need me crying in his office being dumb.”

There was silence for a few moments before Spock spoke.  “Jim, you are not dumb.  You have a genius intellect, and you are extraordinary at reading people and situations.  Those qualities make you the best captain in Starfleet.  I would not wish to serve under anyone else.”

“Thanks, Spock,” Jim whispered, but somehow Spock felt it wasn’t enough.

“When I was nine I attacked a boy in my class because he was teasing me.  I was so ashamed afterwards that I went straight to the garden behind our house and cried.  That made me even more ashamed.  I was distraught, and I did not know what to do.  I knew I could not let my father see me like that, but I simply could not stop.  I had no friends, and my father had often been severe and distant.  After four hours, my mother found me.  She simply took me to the upstairs bathroom and washed my face, then sat with me in my room while I told her what happened.  When I was finished, she said, ‘I love you more than anything, Spock.  You are worthy of being loved.’  I did not believe her then.  Now, it is a mix: some days I do, some days I do not.”

“But you are!” Jim broke in, then blushed.  He averted his eyes as he mumbled, “You are worthy of being loved, Spock.  I...I wanna kill whoever made you think otherwise.”

“The boy who teased me that day perished on Vulcan, but I thank you for the sentiment.”

Jim chuckled.  “See that?  You’re so funny, Spock.  And you’re selfless and kind and smart.”

Spock allowed the corner of his mouth to twitch in a brief smile.  “I have not heard anyone compliment me like that since my mother.  Some days I find myself wishing she were still here, if only to reassure me.  Without her, I feel like the boy I once was.”

Jim moved quickly, locking his arms around Spock’s shoulders and pushing his face into Spock’s neck.  “Oh, Spock.  Please, I hate it when you’re hurt.”

Spock returned the hug as he realized Jim was crying, hot tears dripping onto his neck and leaving tacky residue in their wake.  “Do not cry, Jim.  All is well.  Please do not cry.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jim croaked.  “I’m so sorry I can’t take it away.”

“Take what away?” Spock asked, pulling back to look at Jim’s tear-stained face.

“Your pain.  I love you and I can’t _fix_ it and I’m _worthless_.”

“You love me?”

“Huh?” Jim asked, wiping his tears.

“You just said you loved me.”

“Oh.  Uh, yeah.”  Jim blushed again.  “Just...just pretend I never said that.”

“I do not wish to pretend such a thing.”  Jim looked up, confused.  “Unless you did not mean it.  Then I will act as if nothing happened.  But before you make your choice, I think it would be pertinent to know that I love you too, Jim.”

Jim stood, and Spock stood with him.  “No.”

“I’m sorry?”

“No, you don’t love me.  Stop lying!” Jim screamed, crying once again.

“I---.”

“Stop it, Spock!  You don’t love me.  You can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because no one loves me!  No one ever did and no one ever will!”

“I do.”

“Please stop,” Jim said in an almost-whisper, shaking his head.  “Please stop doing this to me.”

Spock held up his hand.  “May I?” he asked.

“Why?” Jim asked around heavy tears.

“Because you will not believe my words, but perhaps you will believe if I joined our minds.”

Jim, out of curiosity, nodded his assent, and Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s face.

Everything around Jim was golden and warm.  He seemed to float in it for a few minutes before something appeared in front of him.  It was a memory: Jim was sparring with Spock in the gym, his face screwed up in concentration and his skin shiny with sweat.  He kicked out his leg, which Spock grabbed and used to throw him to the ground and pin him.   _Beautiful_ , he could hear Spock think as Spock hovered over him and Jim smiled.

“Good one, Spock!” he heard himself say, and he felt Spock’s urge to lean down and kiss him.

The memory vanished and new one appeared.  This time, Jim was asleep in Sickbay.  “It’s gonna take him a few days to fight off the infection.  He probably won’t wake up until morning.”  That was Bones talking, standing by Jim’s bed.  “You should get some rest, and I’ll comm you when he wakes.”

“But I---,” Spock tried, but was interrupted.

“There’s nothing you can do here, Spock.”

 _Please, let me stay, I want to stay.  I need to take care of Jim.  I want to be with Jim.  I do not want him to be alone.  Please.  Please, I...I do not wish to leave him._  The thoughts whirred by almost faster than Jim could make them out, and he almost missed Spock’s actual words.  “Goodnight, Doctor.”   _Goodnight, Jim._

It wasn’t until Spock broke the meld that Jim realized they were kissing.  It was slow and deep, and Jim sagged against Spock when it was over.  Spock would always be by Jim’s side because he truly _wanted_ to be, Jim realized, as Jim wanted to be by Spock’s.

“I love you,” Jim whispered as he clutched Spock tight.

“And I you,” Spock replied, returning the embrace.

They’d both lived mostly separate lives, feeling as though they were nothing.  But now they both knew they could be something, together.

 


End file.
